I should have paid closer attention while reading that book. Because my life is now my search for meaning where frankly, the reality is a monotonous, soulless, often joyless existence with occasional sparks. I think if I just had the thing, that could save me. If I just had the Bitcoin profits, I could free myself. If I just make a sharp break and quit my job in search of a better future, then I’ll have it, then I’ll feel alive and happy. When really, I struggle to find the energy or the courage, let alone take the bull by the horns. Well, is this it for me? The tragedy of life is that happy people die involuntarily, while seriously unhappy people die by their own hand. I would never in my right mind decide to simply end it all. And I often wonder with a heavy heart what a distant state of mind, not at all themselves, victims arrive at.
So I wonder. I wonder if this is going to be it. What was the point of it all? Really, was the point of my existence to be the son to my parents? You know, if I don’t make it any further than that, then it was worth it. My life already has a meaning that can never be taken away by the love I’ve given and shared. What other experiences and opportunities does the future hold for me?
It’s so quiet here. There are occasional kids running across the balconies, cars purring in the garage below, and the reverb from automatically slamming of doors. But all the other times it is quiet. No helicopters. Virtually no noise of traffic. Just me. Trying to distract myself by turning on the cable or a movie to convince myself I’m not actually alone in a far-off corner of the universe. More often, there’s me forgetting who I am – or refusing to acknowledge myself – as I enter a new universe, the universe of my own head. And I’m lost and potentially slowly losing my ability to find my way. But then I remembered..
I don’t need to just get the thing or the money or find love. What I need is to just not be afraid.
“DON’T BE AFRAID.”
Talk to Someone NOW
“If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States.
Text Someone NOW
People who need support in a crisis can text for help by texting the word “HEARME” to 839863 in the US. The service is available 24/7.
INTERNATIONAL SOURCES
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